I am still not ready for Postpartum sex

I’ve been dreading my six-week postpartum check-up. Mainly because I’m not ready to have sex yet. I don’t feel sexy, I’m exhausted, and breastfeeding has been so painful. I love my husband, but the last thing I feel like doing is having sex. He’s been so patient with me (we haven’t had sex since my second trimester because I was pretty miserable in my third trimester). I almost want to reward him for waiting and being so kind about it. But at the same time, I’m just not up for it.

I feel guilty. But I also don’t want to be intimate before I’m ready. How do I talk to him about how I’m feeling without making him think I don’t want him anymore?

Mother Mable’s reply:

Being cleared for sex at a postpartum visit doesn’t necessarily mean you’re physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared for it. Being honest with your partner about how you’re feeling can help take off some of the pressure on yourself to have intercourse or to try to satisfy your partner before it's pleasurable for you as well. Pregnancy is a major bodily change and you are still rebuilding from the inside out. Your partner may not realize that your pelvic floor is still healing, organs are still repositioning, and your uterus is still shrinking. Not to mention the physical, mental, and emotional toll of caring for your newborn. It’s natural to feel what is often described as “touched out”.

Remember that there are many other ways to connect and be affectionate. If you feel like your partner is pressuring you for sex, try speaking with your medical provider before the visit about bringing it up. Often they can be great intermediaries and provide clinical evidence for some of the changes you’ve experienced throughout pregnancy and since giving birth.

The Cleveland Clinic notes that some women experience a lower libido after giving birth, in part because of the significant hormonal changes that occur postpartum. It can take time for your desire to return. So be kind to yourself, keep the conversation open, and find other ways to connect with your partner if sex isn’t something you feel ready for yet.