We found out the gender of our baby this week—and it’s a girl! But when the doctor told us, my husband literally swore and yelled that he was hoping for a boy. I’m so upset by his reaction. This is our first child, and it took us almost a year to conceive. I knew I’d be thrilled with either gender, and honestly, I feel like he should be too. Why can’t he just be happy for a healthy pregnancy? He says it was just his initial reaction, but I still don’t think he’s over it… and quite frankly, neither am I.
Mother Mable’s reply:
Gender disappointment can be hard to talk about because it can feel like you’re not supposed to have those feelings. Of course you want a healthy baby, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also feel hurt, surprised, or disappointed when the news isn’t what you imagined. And when your partner has a strong reaction, especially one you weren’t expecting, it can make those feelings even harder to sort through.
Maxlyn Lavie Ellison, M.D., a retired psychiatrist with more than 36 years of experience, notes that parents can have many social, religious, cultural, and personal influences around their hopes for a child's sex. Having complicated feelings about those expectations doesn't mean you aren't grateful for your pregnancy or excited to become a parent.
Nine months is a long time, so give him some privacy to deal with his feelings between the appointments. If you notice he’s still struggling to come around, it can be helpful to bring it up for discussion. Some reassurance goes a long way and it can be helpful to hear their feelings validated, while sharing your own gratitude and excitement for your healthy little one.